People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
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Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Happy Star Wars day!
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.