Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”