The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
You Might Also Like
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Espa帽ol?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 馃槙
Sand doesn鈥檛 even taste bad it鈥檚 just the texture
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
me: let鈥檚 change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn鈥檛 possibly. I鈥檓 late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Best Mother鈥檚 Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they鈥檒l die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It鈥檚 kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I鈥檓 gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
馃
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Who does Amazon think I am?
wtf is a larm clock?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That鈥檚 right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing