Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
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This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Poetry is my passion
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.