Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair