My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
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Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats