I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
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2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials