time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
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My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.