Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
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Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Fries, not lies.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.