Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
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mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
it must be school picture day
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking