Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.