Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Lassie, get help!
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
“How’s your day going?”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.