I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
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[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Noted.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.