Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
You Might Also Like
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Betrayal only comes from someone we鈥檙e close to. Just like herpes.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I鈥檓 not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let鈥檚 do it together.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
i ordered the mcdonald鈥檚 land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 馃様
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Your yearly reminder that if you鈥檙e mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves