[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
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Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube