*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*