You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.