Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I get more sympathy when I say that I don鈥檛 have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I鈥檝e seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
We鈥檙e playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it鈥檚 making me irrationally angry.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Took a good look at my finances.
I won鈥檛 make that mistake again.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 馃檨
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn鈥檛 it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Elementary schools be like:
It鈥檚 Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy鈥檚 regulation sized float out of paper mach茅
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day