As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados