***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
You Might Also Like
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol