Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
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My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot