American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
You Might Also Like
Sticker placement is key.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
This why you should mind your business
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?