[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
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Has science gone too far?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Netflix: We have Less
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.