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just having fun
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.