Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Time for evil
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.