Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
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ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.