Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
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Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
it was love at first sight
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas