[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
my dog when i have a friend over
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.