Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
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My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
it was a valiant fight
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.