My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
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The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
My patronus is a cheeseburger
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound