[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
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I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.