4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
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Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I did not eat the cake…
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.