Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
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Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit