if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
You Might Also Like
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Tough love is true love
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”