On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
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I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
sensitive skin
multitasking lunch
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.