Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Sharon, call the vet
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.