Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
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Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
fired
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…