Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
6. me as a lawyer
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.