17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
You Might Also Like
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
is this store having a stroke wtf
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.