OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
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M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup