What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
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[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
the Monday after daylight savings
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now