Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
What about a To-Don’t List?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!