she would like to bark at the manager, please.
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If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.