Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
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88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Tuesday