Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My favorite female superhero
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Mmmm canned fish.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”