What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
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Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Yup
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!