Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
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ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
mariah carrie
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Thank you corporation very cool
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.