My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
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Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.