Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
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Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”