[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
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Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Happy Caturday!
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Nothing to do, you say?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.